Theft

I am a little confused
why?
am i hunting for your photographs
again
like every time i will erase them
when
looking at them each time
I
slowly begin to weep and wonder
why
you look the happiest in them
if
only i were there with you
know
love wouldn't make me weep
yet
I search every picture
closely
eyes a little mole and your sweat
all
remind me of myself
yet
a dream lies like a pea
under
several covers of my story
my
story that i dream with you

a bit confused

tonight i am wearing your rust tee

tonight i need to smell your skin again

tell me you understand

that you know what i did was right

that you know that i havent slipped

my stomach is stiff with pain

i fought the wishes of a man who touched

my arms hurt when i bathed

to wipe off the dirt that came on his fingers

to change to a skin untouched

tonight i will pray again for myself

i may hurt myself with memories of a night

i may wash myself all over again

Sums

in that empty house
where i keep a few colored pots and bottles
some old maps and used tickets
i spend my evening watching the cobwebs
eating the leftovers and listening to my own footsteps
not that i am hungry
only in my sleep i get thirsty, but sleep doesn't come

i calculate
how much time has gone
when i collected these pots
how many evenings i have spent waiting for your call
for you to call me
i calculate how i lost directions
and began to write down the promises i would make
i begin to look for bunny rabbits in the clouds

i remember more
when it began to rain
i remember that evening watching a play
and then roles changed
i have begun to wonder why my feet hurt so much
why doesn't it rain when im walking
why is the food so cold

i sit and write
the mistakes i made
the stories i drew on empty sheets
the doors that i thought were on my wall
the keys that never would fit
i sit and wonder
how will i move so many pots and bottles
how will everything remain unbroken.

End of 2005

This is a set of mails written long time back in the year 2005 right after i left Bangalore, and i left behind something which I thought was mine.

to

sanjukta.only@gmail.com: this is my new gmail id...hee the other one i thought wud use for official purposes!! sanjukta: i thought you had adamworx as ur id... If i had you, how would it be? would it be good? would the mornings be bluer? the sun warmer and the streams cooler? would the coffee smell better? biryani taste better and I get fatter? would the nights be cozier? love be lovlier? would my hair be shorter ? my face fairer? would you get a make over? or stay the way you are forever? would we travel in a bus ? or an auto on a rainy day together? would we get cold and drenched? and sit closer? would i wait for you longer? would you wait for me moreover? would those days be back ? if ever? would they? to sanjukta.only@gmail.com: i thought i wud get one in my normal id... p.s: those lines were beautiful..! sanjukta.only: The lines were beautiful did you say? talking smart is your way :-) of your words what do I believe? for you say, ' they are the ones that decieve' if decietful are your words, and truth the silence decietful is not anything , but your own loving sense love is not to clutch I know love is not without a dream did you know? if dreams are not nurtured love stings then not words, the silence rings you choose not to react or act in love no, not words are needed always. when silence,be misunderstood some consolation and says, some words, memories of some days they work, both ways those words like a spark in the dark may light hope you may say..what's the use? i know too its too obtuse shall i explain that to my heart? or will you explain? all from the start! no reply came after this mail. or may be whatever came never could satisfy my questions fully...and i moved into another time zone... a happier one.

empty house

wake, sleep, walk, time, wrap, run,

rag ,weave, dream, seam, trim, 

tea, toss, time, road, roam, home, alone,

cook, eat, read, net, fret, sleep, wake sleep, bet

letter 1-dear friend

I have only one picture of you

I cut it from the one,

you posed with the lady boxer,

and i turned it grey.

I thought it looked better.

You were partly right,

our paths are fading,

maybe they should.

Just like memories behave,

they wont disappear though.

Has it been raining there?

I  love the mists .

just when I walk through,

the grey changes to magic colours

and all this while i thought

i was colourblind !

dreamless

one of those nights again

when i dont sleep

a million images float around

a million stories

all asking for attention

all asking for words

one of those stories

make it to the top 

while the others fade

while the the morning comes

i remember only one

i remember very little

one of those posts

that i write on orange

only few know

only few read

fewer understand

fewer care a little more

one of these nights

when i will wake quietly

and stories wont know

and none will scream

i will write  about the breeze

i will sing to the trees

one of those songs

i will keep under my pillow

it will stain the muslin pink

it will make the linen green

the feathers may float

the feathers may stray

but i will neither  talk

i will neither be away

I am sure

Newspapers tell many stories

while I soak them in a bowl of water

the stories fade and sink

and then three days later 

I paint new stories with pink

I saw a little boy once

while he played with a spinning wheel

I counted the cups in the sun

and tea that steamed in the clay cups

made every story  heal

The streets around my home are narrow

while I walk looking around

the puppies follow me everywhere

and when I hide to lose them

they suddenly forget why they were there.

Now I dont search for 'that' something

while I know that its out there

it doesnt really matter anymore

and I dont really need to care

because you were not here before.

to the nightmare

and if you come to me as a wall

i shall change the direction of my crawl

if i fail to reach your end

i will end my reach to you

and if you come to me as a flower

i shall keep you in my album 

when the photos will grow pale and yellow

you shall still be blooming around

and if you come to me as a madman

i will shoot myself in the head

if i fail to forget your madness

i will be the madness that will count.

but i dont want you to come as anything

i dont want to know your name

i dont want to know you exist

because you remind me the longest sleepless night.

nightmare

truth with one portion of guilt may taste better
and when its almost drunk
you see sediments of fear that wait for the climax
tea leaves can wait for another life