End of 2005

This is a set of mails written long time back in the year 2005 right after i left Bangalore, and i left behind something which I thought was mine.

to

sanjukta.only@gmail.com: this is my new gmail id...hee the other one i thought wud use for official purposes!! sanjukta: i thought you had adamworx as ur id... If i had you, how would it be? would it be good? would the mornings be bluer? the sun warmer and the streams cooler? would the coffee smell better? biryani taste better and I get fatter? would the nights be cozier? love be lovlier? would my hair be shorter ? my face fairer? would you get a make over? or stay the way you are forever? would we travel in a bus ? or an auto on a rainy day together? would we get cold and drenched? and sit closer? would i wait for you longer? would you wait for me moreover? would those days be back ? if ever? would they? to sanjukta.only@gmail.com: i thought i wud get one in my normal id... p.s: those lines were beautiful..! sanjukta.only: The lines were beautiful did you say? talking smart is your way :-) of your words what do I believe? for you say, ' they are the ones that decieve' if decietful are your words, and truth the silence decietful is not anything , but your own loving sense love is not to clutch I know love is not without a dream did you know? if dreams are not nurtured love stings then not words, the silence rings you choose not to react or act in love no, not words are needed always. when silence,be misunderstood some consolation and says, some words, memories of some days they work, both ways those words like a spark in the dark may light hope you may say..what's the use? i know too its too obtuse shall i explain that to my heart? or will you explain? all from the start! no reply came after this mail. or may be whatever came never could satisfy my questions fully...and i moved into another time zone... a happier one.

empty house

wake, sleep, walk, time, wrap, run,

rag ,weave, dream, seam, trim, 

tea, toss, time, road, roam, home, alone,

cook, eat, read, net, fret, sleep, wake sleep, bet

letter 1-dear friend

I have only one picture of you

I cut it from the one,

you posed with the lady boxer,

and i turned it grey.

I thought it looked better.

You were partly right,

our paths are fading,

maybe they should.

Just like memories behave,

they wont disappear though.

Has it been raining there?

I  love the mists .

just when I walk through,

the grey changes to magic colours

and all this while i thought

i was colourblind !

dreamless

one of those nights again

when i dont sleep

a million images float around

a million stories

all asking for attention

all asking for words

one of those stories

make it to the top 

while the others fade

while the the morning comes

i remember only one

i remember very little

one of those posts

that i write on orange

only few know

only few read

fewer understand

fewer care a little more

one of these nights

when i will wake quietly

and stories wont know

and none will scream

i will write  about the breeze

i will sing to the trees

one of those songs

i will keep under my pillow

it will stain the muslin pink

it will make the linen green

the feathers may float

the feathers may stray

but i will neither  talk

i will neither be away

I am sure

Newspapers tell many stories

while I soak them in a bowl of water

the stories fade and sink

and then three days later 

I paint new stories with pink

I saw a little boy once

while he played with a spinning wheel

I counted the cups in the sun

and tea that steamed in the clay cups

made every story  heal

The streets around my home are narrow

while I walk looking around

the puppies follow me everywhere

and when I hide to lose them

they suddenly forget why they were there.

Now I dont search for 'that' something

while I know that its out there

it doesnt really matter anymore

and I dont really need to care

because you were not here before.

to the nightmare

and if you come to me as a wall

i shall change the direction of my crawl

if i fail to reach your end

i will end my reach to you

and if you come to me as a flower

i shall keep you in my album 

when the photos will grow pale and yellow

you shall still be blooming around

and if you come to me as a madman

i will shoot myself in the head

if i fail to forget your madness

i will be the madness that will count.

but i dont want you to come as anything

i dont want to know your name

i dont want to know you exist

because you remind me the longest sleepless night.

nightmare

truth with one portion of guilt may taste better
and when its almost drunk
you see sediments of fear that wait for the climax
tea leaves can wait for another life

about me

and my name is complicated
it would never show on the neon boards.
it would be easy to forget
the names of the old roads.

and I've been
sticking prices tags to my memories
now it would be difficult to find a buyer
and the worth of all the owners.

every time i went back the old street
where they sell fish dumplings
they make it easy to remember
the taste of every kiss

and my name is complicated
it wont remind you of anyone
so it will be easy to forget
and it will only be there somewhere

Rooted friends

Rooted in a sooted boot,

lets loot! lets loot!

some happiness in pursuit

of an unending, unbending life

still rooted in a sooted boot.

Climb the black chimney with the loot

slip a foot!!! oh no sir!! no

sooted boots may fall

but let the loot out of the wall

sooted may it be,

looted may it be,

who needs boots afterall!!!

everyone's space

i want
to cut off my hair
really short and color it red

spend a night on a bench somewhere in Maidan

watching the Victoria lights
and the stars that escaped from the planetarium

let hunger take over thoughts

and write graffiti on someone's clean white wall

in neon colors
i want to take pictures of drunk men and the loonies
talk to them about the mad world
and count the lorries
coming from Chennai and going to Punjab
or vice versa
cheap thrill of crossing the road
just before they can crush your guts
and in the middle of night scream
on the bridge above the river
and dive into the water
just when the policeman's hand is a hand away
if the river drowns me i shall be happy
it will share 'its' space with me
if not
i will give myself away
....................................................................................................................